A Modest Proposal!

I don’t feel like going to work today, so instead, I'm going to hold up a gas station attendant, shoplift at Walmart, or some other anti-social act that will guarantee me a long prison sentence. I don’t really intend to steal anything or hurt anyone. I’m tired of working and paying out half of what I earn to my local, state, county and federal governments. I figure that after throwing away most of my last 70+ years on this planet supporting all levels of government, it’s time they paid their fair share to me.

I know that I'll get free, balanced meals in prison. I know they'll give me (relatively) clean clothes to put on. I know these clothes will not make a fashion statement, but they will keep me warm and dry. I won’t have to pay rent or property taxes either. A warm, clean and dry room will be provided for me. I won’t have to worry about whether to choose satellite or cable either—the prison will supply all my needs. I won't have to get up before the crack of dawn to go to work and I won’t have to call my boss to tell him I was sick before he gets into his office. Going to prison seems like a much better idea than going to work.

If I get sick, I will get free medical care, free examinations; free x-rays, free tests and free prescription drugs while I am in incarcerated. There is no “doughnut hole” when you’re in prison. And, if I get something really serious such as a heart condition, cancer, or Alzenheimer’s Disease, the prison has to pay for all of the care I will ever need. If I need a wheelchair, prosthetics, a bypass, or chemotherapy I will get it all free—at the expense of the taxpayer. I will never have to worry about medical care bankrupting me.

I will get other “perks” as well. I will get free television, free reading material, free exercise equipment and, as I understand it, even though illegal, there is no shortage of either drugs or alcohol inside of a prison. I can even smoke cigarettes legally inside of prison—something I couldn’t do on the outside. Nor will I ever be subjected to, while I am in prison, to the annoying sounds of cell phones going off at the most inappropriate times. That alone makes imprisonment seem like a good idea.

Being in prison is one of the best deals going unless, of course, you are a politician in the state of New Jersey. Maybe, in the near future, more senior citizens will hop onto this gravy train and hold up a nearby convenience store in order to make themselves eligible for all of these benefits.

There is no other way they will ever get them from the government.